my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
We have started to decorate penises.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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