dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you traded sex for a burrito?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
