I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
