I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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