Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
