I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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