i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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