I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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