You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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