Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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