I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
