I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
