What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
