In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize