My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
