Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
