rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
