In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
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