life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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