just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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