We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
