literally had 100 drinks last night.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
