i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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