I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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