OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize