when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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