come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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