I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
