If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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