I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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