Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
tell me about the fingering
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