i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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