what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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