so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
