I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
