Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
