there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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