Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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