As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
