I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
