she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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