Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
