does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
