i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
