I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
