I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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