im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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