Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
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