woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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