I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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