Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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