id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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