Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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