Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
