you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize