I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We just shotgunned beers for America
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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