I'm so fucking centered right now
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
