I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
