Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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