Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
