Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
