Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
