Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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