I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
